Open letter to my parents

Dear Mum and Dad,

You must have thought that it all went terribly well the day that I asked the question “Why is mine different from Dad’s”? You told me that I’d had “a little operation to avoid trouble later on”. I also think you said something about “social reasons”. You were I think quite pleased that Dr M praised you for the job you had done changing the dressing. I think my reaction was quite neutral at the time, I was far too young to understand what had been stolen from me, so that was OK with you.

Boarding school was an eye opener and about half of my contemporaries were “Cavaliers” (natural) and oh how I wanted to be a Cavalier but that was a choice you had taken from me. I hated being a “Roundhead” (circumcised). That others shared my fate never made me feel any better. How on earth had this happened to me? What had I done? Why? It is questions like these that have been spinning around in my head ever since, what a waste of a mind. I was soon brought up to speed on the pros and cons as seen through the eyes of young boys. The clincher to me was “you were born with one you must be meant to have one”.

The reason for an amputation is usually “If we don’t cut it off he’s going to die” somehow you didn’t apply this rather sensible rule to my genitals. Why do you wince when my kids suggest pierced ears, tattoos and other piercings? You did not flinch at Dr M’s suggestion. Where was your “if it isn’t broken don’t fix it” attitude? What would you have said to me if “the little operation” had gone wrong? It does you know. All surgery has risks and casualties not always physical. Which of the myths did you believe? I do hope you didn’t believe “He’ll never miss it”. I remember you saying “it” was “best done on the eighth day” did you just think it would be rather nice if I was like Jesus?

Why did you Dad not defend me did you think you were doing me a favour? Did you not even care? I also wonder how you had the nerve to tell me the jokes like the one about the Jewish man discovered eating a pork chop who defends himself with the retort “It’s OK it was a circumcised pig” and the one about the tailor who boasted he could “make a pair of trousers so tight that people can tell your religion” It is one of my horrors in life to be identified as circumcised, I am OK with balding, I am OK with having very little sense of smell. I will admit to many failings. But the state of my genitals is one thing I keep very private. It is this feeling of wanting to hide that would have saved my son, if I’d had one, from the knife. I could not have let him be circumcised as it would have been a clear indication of the state of my genitals. Not a very noble reason but I don’t think he would have cared.

Teenage years brought masturbation which was possible with care. Female partners could easily be too rough as I had no loose skin for them to grip. That little operation removes what would grow into about 15 sq. inches of highly sensitive tissue, that is about the same area as a £5 note. Full sex was a joy but I know now that a full set of private parts is a greater joy. There have been too many men unnecessarily circumcised as adults who have reported on the deleterious consequences even though there is an emotional incentive to make the best of a decision to undergo elective surgery.

Ever since school days I have felt fundamentally flawed. Which has led me to thoughts like why should I give up smoking, I’ll never be perfect. It is very hard to view ones body as a temple when you can see that someone has been in and smashed one of the windows for some fresh air instead of just opening it. You must have acted in my best interests. I have tried to make the best of it. I do hope you had no idea of what was involved. The fifteen minutes of excruciating pain with Dr M and his instruments. How long did they take me away from you for, was it an hour or more? I remember you said I didn’t take to breast feeding. There is some evidence that the trauma involved with the ‘little operation” interferes with the establishment of breast feeding. I also wonder if my rather defensive posture is not an echo of those fifteen minutes. What a great start in life. Any regrets?

Regret is one thing I know very well. I can say that there is not a day that passes when I don’t curse my misfortune in this regard. I live with intense feelings of violation. Every time I look down I see the scar, which shows me just how I have been abused. The sight of that hated scar drove me as a young adult in London to seek the help of a cosmetic surgeon. That was a phone conversation that did not go well. My humiliation was total. Some years later in therapy I mentioned my negative feelings about circumcision and had to change my therapist. Ones real pain is not recognised. Some people still think this is not child abuse, how that can be I do not know. Genital mutilation has been the cruellest thing ever done to me. You may say well if that is as bad as it gets I got off lightly. But I would say that you should spend a day inside my mind and then see how you feel. You would want to see Dr M struck off at the very least.

What I do not want is anyone reading this to be in any doubt that circumcision is cruel, it still hurts more than fifty years on. Once when the subject of circumcision came up my sister said “Well Dr M got you”. She had put it very well you definitely feel that you have been got, you feel like a victim. Many people would say that no crime has been committed and technically that is correct, but here I am a victim of no crime, a victim of no perpetrator, with clear physical evidence of a serious sexual assault. Is it any wonder that I sound a little hysterical.

I really used to believe it was my fault that I could not accept my fate. You got the benefit of thinking I was protected against “trouble later on”. You left me angry, confused and ashamed about the state of my genitals and that is quite a load to carry through life. I think I am an average man in almost everything and have no reason to suppose that my reactions to my missing foreskin are anything other than average. The thing about me that is not average is that I have written this down as honestly as I can. Many men have to deny their pain or remain mute just to get through the day but if enough men tell their stories then perhaps society will stamp out this dreadful abusive practice.

If you sometimes find me rather distant, not as affectionate as I might be remember it is not my fault. It was you who put the distance between us with Dr M’s knife. Just one year ago I could not have written this letter but with the support of Norm UK and my wife I am coming to terms with the pain behind the content. I now also know that I am not mad and not alone.

So Mum and Dad what you can do for me now is every chance you get write to the papers phone up that radio programme and try to stop anyone else repeating your mistake. I think I understand how easy it was for you to say “If you think it is for the best Dr M” But about half of my peers parents didn’t make your mistake and for that I can’t forgive you not yet anyway.

Your son

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