I confronted my mutilator

Doctor N** S** K** holder of medical general practitioner qualifications, mutilated my genitalia and ruined my life.
During neonatal health check N** S** K** advised my parents that I, unlike my father and siblings required a circumcision. Although my parents thought my penis looked no different to my brothers at the same age, they trusted the Doctor.
The lying Doctor N** S** K** circumcised me when 2 weeks old along with 5 other baby boys. His brutal acts on normal healthy tissue were carried out without any form of anaesthetic. Was he a paedophile? He obviously enjoyed doing it.

Childhood
My younger brother and I shared a bedroom consequently his normal natural penis was in front of me every time we dressed huddled round the electric heater. I felt abnormal, ashamed of my penis, incomplete and inferior.
When running about at school I got kicked between the legs. I was bleeding from my Glans. I had to suffer the embarrassment of showing it to the teachers, then to my parents and of course my elder brother was there. When I was six I had a serious illness I was told I was lucky to be alive. From the day of the kick for the rest of my life I have always wished I had died.
School toilets had a water pipe running parallel to the ground. It was a laugh to show how you could squirt your pee above the pipe. Of course my mutilated apology for a penis failed. In fact it was more likely to send out two simultaneous streams one into the trough and one onto the shoes of the boy next to me. The total inadequacy and shame. I was incomplete, not equal, inferior to my peers. And as a consequence unable to join in.
It was about this time I became convinced my parents had adopted me. Interestingly I look exactly like my father. But why would they have let me be mutilated when no other males in the family are.

Adolescent to adult
When I was eleven a friend showed me what his brother showed him. I tried to pull the shaft skin back and forth over my Glans with the result of a swollen painful tender Penis. I couldn’t tell anyone. The embarrassment, of having a mutilated Penis. The disappointment, having seen my friends enjoyment of his penis I hated mine. I would have been saved this distress had I died. The friendship did not continue.
This new school was a nightmare three times a week group showers. It was bad enough cowering in the corner hoping no one would notice my mangled cock. But being supervised through the showers with the other boys and their perfectly normal penis was totally demoralising. After that first year I never went to games or gym again.
I was thirteen when I joined a jerk circle. The first to cum got the sixpence. They took their penises out through the zip in their trousers and wanked comfortably. I tried the same but my shaft was painfully abraded by my zip. Normal masturbation technique does not require movement of pubic and scrotal skin. They came I didn’t. Their tense posture, reddened faces, thickened speech etc., showed the superior level of pleasure enjoyed by the owner of a normal penis. Jealousy and envy don’t describe my feelings adequately.
Around age fourteen girls appear much kissing and fumbling around. It’s OK for me to touch, caress and look. My knob is off limits no girl would want to see that. I would always be a virgin. Why didn’t they let me die?
I was seventeen working with an older experienced woman. She paid me a lot of attention, I reciprocated. We arranged a discreet meeting for me to lose my virginity. I had a nice time but she wouldn’t let me enter her. A circumcised dick is too rough and dry for her. She moved on to my brother and his normal penis. Embarrassment, anger, rejection I hated my brother for his normal penis. It was many years before I risked a relationship.

Expectant father
I was thirty when I discovered the truth. There was no medical reason for it my parents did not request it.
Twelve months before I was born Douglas Gairdner’s, famous paper ‘The Fate of the Foreskin’, was published in the British Medical Journal. This paper clearly showed there is never any indication to carry out the brutal amputation of a babies’ prepuce. Nor was this act supported by the NHS.
However N** S** K**, obviously enjoyed clamping and cutting the most sensitive part of the male anatomy, against medical evidence and NHS regulations.

When I discovered the truth what did I experience? Disbelief, could anyone be so cruel. Anger deep and vicious. These feelings were so powerful I knew I needed help. On inspection there is no trumped up record in my medical notes. N** S** K**, did it for his own pleasure without payment. Recognising my distress my GP referred me to a Psychologist. I met with him 6 times. The outcome was that circumcised men dissatisfied and unhappy with their mutilation were homosexual. I controlled my distress and anger with cannabis and alcohol.

I was 35 when I found Jim Bigelow’s, ‘Joy of Uncircumcising’. To know that others feel as I do was some comfort. To know that I am not deceiving myself in believing my pleasure diminished. In hating the appearance of my penis. In feeling inferior to intact men, embarrassed and betrayed by my parents and the medical profession.
5 years of 24/7 tugging for skin expansion followed. Frustration both complimented and supplemented anger. ‘Restore’ websites and members helped me in not giving up. I have a sort of foreskin.

In the year 2000, I confronted N** S** K**. I don’t know how I did it. I was physically shaking. I was frightened of him. I could barely speak coherently. He bluffed and spluttered then accepted responsibility. He could give no reason for doing it. He was sorry I didn’t like it and went on to tell me it was ‘good enough for him so good enough for me’. I wanted to beat, thrash, kill the butcher.

I needed to know the extent of damage done by N** S** K**, and what he had left me.
I have so little sensation, for ejaculation to occur roughness is a requirement with the subsequent discomfort for self and wife. I have a skin bridge, a tunnel and a penoscrotal web. Do I have any frenulum? My GP referred me to a urologist. Although he acknowledged I have a penoscrotal web, this man was rude, arrogant and patronising. My integrity was ignored and my right to understanding denied. In his letter to the GP he said I should; 1, try to live with it 2, see a psychologist 3, see a plastic surgeon.

I had tried the first two, so I paid to see a plastic surgeon. I was complemented on the effectiveness of my skin expansion. He confirmed a peno scrotal web and felt any form of surgery would not be beneficial. As to loss of sensation he could not help.

It has since been confirmed I have at least 20% of my frenulum missing, a corona-mucocutaneous bridge, along with a penoscrotal web all resulting from circumcision. Not only did N** S** K**, cut the most sensitive and pleasurable part of my penis off, he also gave me a couple of added disadvantages. No wonder sexual release for me requires roughness and pain.

In summary I am a victim filled with anger. Circumcision has ruined my life. I continue to self medicate with alcohol. Have repeated suicidal thoughts. I am ashamed of my mutilated penis. I feel violated, betrayed by the NHS and medical profession.
I am unequal, disadvantaged and don’t have the comfort of a fully rewarding penis.
Thankfully I do have a loving supportive wife.

One more story

Having recently watched the videos on the “Men Do Complain” website, and recently the BBC programme “A Cut Too Far”, I now realise the need to express my feelings, frustrations, and anger at how this practice of male circumcision has affected me.

I was cut as an infant due to Jewish practices and aware of my difference at a very young age. It was explained by my parents that this was a hygiene issue, and I would be cleaner than uncut boys, and this was normal, and better. I was never convinced of this strange explanation, but just went along with it as I had no other cause to complain.

However throughout my childhood I felt different from other boys, and wondered why so many other boys were not cut like me. It is now at the age of 60 that enough evidence and experience has taught me to feel anger that such brutality be inflicted on babies and boys that had not asked for this to be carried out? Why has the medical profession let us down so severely and why have religious practices allowed this to go unchallenged for so long?

To unnecessarily wound and inflict pain on babies and boys should be unthinkable, especially with the protection legislation for child abuse. How can parents still be allowed to intentionally cut off the foreskins of helpless babies (and boys) and society allow this suffering?

My position now is that I realise that a part of my body was removed without my consent. This has made me feel inferior to uncut men and I now know the problems both physically and psychologically I have suffered and will continue to deal with for the rest of my life. These feelings are a lack of sensation, sensitivity, and discomfort, and physically I think I am unattractive, compared to other males with unharmed penises. I am envious of other men who are intact and feel depressed that I never had a choice to keep my body the way I wanted.

Do I blame my parents, society, religion or the law for abuse against my person? Thankfully the Scandinavians are beginning to act responsibly to this issue. There are those that think legislation will force this practice underground and then more atrocities will be committed? Until the law is changed or applied consistently with bans on FGM, attitudes will not change quickly enough even though evidence of harm to males physically and mentally has been know about for many years.

I now have a dilemma. Do I forget about the assault of my body and carry on living a good and healthy life, or do I give in and dwell on how different I am and the damage that was done without my consent?

I haven’t spoken about this to anyone.

Your story on TV

Men, share your story

Men Do Complain has been contacted by Burning Bright Productions
to recruit participants for a television documentary that will cover issues around circumcision.

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Earlier this year, Burning Bright produced 100 Vaginas, a programme that explored women’s experience with their bodies, and included a sequence on FGM.

Now Burning Bright are looking to present the male experience in a new programme. This is an opportunity for our voices to be heard.

If you think you might like to be involved in the project, see below for details.

Channel 4 are looking for contributors for a ground-breaking and intimate film about men, their bodies and life experiences.

We are working with an artist to document the relationship men have with their most private parts and masculinity.

If you are happy to be interviewed and intimately photographed as part of this programme, we’d love to hear from you.

You can contact us to find out more at:

men@bbprod.co.uk
+44 (0)203 696 5057
http://tinyurl.com/menc4

Burning Bright Productions